time again to squeeze your lemons for signs of breast cancer

time again to squeeze your lemons for signs of breast cancer.
i had several new suspicious lumps checked out by my oncologist last week.
she felt them + said, "they feel cystic" (benign) + "you had a mammogram, ultrasound + breast mri in may, which shows EVERYTHING, so let's see you again in 3 months." i was in shock. my diagnosis last year was "bad prognosis, her2neu 3+++, stage 3b, 10x8cm tumor, spread to lymph nodes, highly aggressive, likely to spread + recur" + after a mastectomy + radiation + chemotherapy + several months of herceptin monoclonal antibody infusions (we suspended the last 9 months of herceptin that would supposedly prevent a recurrence of cancer by 50% due to acute congestive heart failure it was causing), she told me she'd monitor me "carefully." high surveillance for breast cancer recurrence actually translates into me doing monthly manual exams + my oncologist doing manual exams every 3 months. now i've got lumps she says "feel benign" + i don't find that reassuring. my huge breast cancer tumor was undetectable by mammogram + it was the size of a large bar of soap.

meanwhile, there is a pink ribbon party going on this month with millions of products selling + well meaning people walking + racing for the cure. the book pink ribbons, inc. says over 1 million people participated in the susan g komen races for the cure in 2005 alone (that's not counting the avon, livestrong + american cancer society walks). i've been wondering, what are those walks accomplishing for breast cancer? where is that money going? awareness: i think we're all pretty aware that breast cancer is common + you should detect it early; prevention: supposedly it's not preventable; research: don't the pharmaceutical companies make huge profits? my cancer treatment costs were over $100,000; survivor programs: most of them are staffed by volunteers who are breast cancer survivors with donated space, equipment + tax deductible expenses.

where is all that money going? maybe elizabeth edwards or hillary clinton will look into making sure it's toward better diagnostic equipment than mammograms + manual exams (google please help us!). we need specially targeted chemotherapies that don't cause heart failure + permanent nerve damage (my hands + feet are numb) + destroy ovaries. we need targeted chemotherapies so effective, we won't have to endure radiation (medieval burning of the skin + breast tissue) + surgery (i miss my breast + my arm is permanently nerve damaged, painful + swells from lymph edema. my daughter asks me when will my breast grow back (like a lizard's tail she knows detaches as a defense mechanism). sometimes at night before she goes to sleep she sobs + demands to know, "where is your booby mama?! where is it? take me to visit it! i want your booby back!"

update oct 9: 1st thing this morning she demanded to go see my breast. she said, "i miss it mom, i want to see it even if it's not attached to you."
i told her i've still got one attached + let's be good to that one.